"Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story."
The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. Everyday is the same, and I've grown tired thinking that nothing's going to come out of what I've been doing. I mean, seriously, what have I been doing with my life? Sure, I've done some great and not-so-great things, but in the grand scheme of things and of the Universe.. is that really the best I can do?
Something happened to me recently. Something inside me died. My spirit, maybe? I don't know. I just feel like everything I've been doing up to this point has been pretty much worthless. Because I want to try so many things, I feel that I've lost sight of what I really want, and have since then just spiraled into a deep, dark little well of self-deprecation. I hate myself for being like this.
And like I said, the past few weeks have been crazy. Spacing out and crying almost everyday. I know I appear to be happy and strong, but that's because I need to appear that way, for a lot of reasons. Main reason being-- I don't want to appear weak.
But I realized something, after several long talks (which mostly consisted of me bawling my eyes out) with Aian. (I'm really sorry, for bothering you while you work. I know that these times are hard for you as well. I'm sorry for being selfish. Please know that I love you, and I appreciate every second that you spend talking with me. I know that you think it's not much, but you're wrong. It means the world to me that you're willing to listen to everything I say, and that you support each and every one of my decisions. Thank you, for being my strength during these trying times.)
I've been moving so fast, trying to keep up with everyone else that I've lost sight of what I really want in life. Though it's going to take me a while to get back on my feet, I'm going to take things at my own pace. Whatever may come my way in the future, I'll just have to deal with when it comes. I'll have to remember that I'm not alone, and I have others that I can lean to when I need to. But most of all, I need to stop hating myself. I've long thought that I've gotten rid of this side of me, that hates every little thing I do, but I guess it'll take a bit more time. But it will happen. It will. I know it will.
Right now, I can't say I can see that mountain of a dream as clearly as I used to. But during these times of self-doubt, I can only listen to those phrases. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. And I'll find my way soon enough.